Businessman Consulting Glowing Crystal Ball

So, it’s the end of 2013, and I have yet to make any resolutions for the new year. Fact is, I haven’t done so for many years – a silly tradition for optimists. Then, what does that leave for us pessimists?

Predictions of Disaster! Or Direment. Droll? Demagoguery? Dumb-assedness?

I thought I might try my hand at the mysticism and whack out a few ideas. Feel free to handicap the list and see what your local betting agent will give you odds on.

10. Pope Francis plays in a charity pinball-wizard tournament. Gets assigned to ‘Devil King‘.  In a marathon 42-hour session, succeeds in ‘rolling over’ (that’s 10 million points, folks) the scoreboard. Quotes from the Charlie Daniels’ song, “I done told you once, you son-of-a-bitch, I’m the best that’s ever been!”  Results in a resurgence of Roman Catholicism.  Hollywood gets renamed Gethsemane (only one letter more). Announces biopic of the Pope’s triumphant win, starring Keith Moon. (Seriously, look at some old pics of Keith, age him a few decades, anything’s possible.)

9. North Korean dictator Kim Jong Un announces run for South Korean presidency. Unaware that the next presidential election is three years away, he sends his stunt doubles to campaign. 27 doubles defect, five of them form new pop group, “Comrade Who?” sporting different costumes licensed from the Doctor Who franchise.

8. Doctor Who franchise announces latest reincarnation of The Doctor. Dame Judi Dench has been approached to take the role. No word on whther she has accepted. Possible candidates for her companion are; Mehmet Ferda, Nitin Ganatra, or Tony Tang. When the franchise was asked what happened to Peter Capaldi?, they quoted exit polls as stating that Scottish actors should be cast as James Bond, not ‘the Doctor’.

7. Artic ice decreasing, Antartic ice increasing. Aliens from secret UFO base near Mc Murdo traverse Pacific Ocean’s “Great Pacific Garbage Patch” collecting building materiel for their new double-plus-good secret base. Embedded NY Times ‘reporters’ report no unusual goings on.

6. Medical researchers perfect method for removing cholesterol from humans and converting it into mechanical-grade lubricants. Industry analysts praise findings, stocks react positively.

5. Obamacare medical boards cite exorbitant costs involved in cholesterol extraction process. Enact ‘transfer fee’ for patients. Coincidentally, medical practices and hospitals are also assessed an ‘extraction fee’. Further coincidentally, the chemical industry receiving the raw cholesterol materiels are assessed an ‘environmental fee’.

4. Disneyviacomtimebbcwarner announce biggest multimedia extravaganza every before attempted. The working title for the movie-book-radio-mp3-toy-tie-in-political-muckety-moo is “Star Doctor Trek Wars”. Ex-president Barack Obama is expected to play all roles and produce all sequels, pre-sequels, and post-postmortems.

3. Food riots. Race riots. Media riots. Riot riots. One or more big-league western leader gets assassinated. Vegas not taking bets on this one.

2. Chinese Air Force hacks into American Air Force’s hack of Russian Air Force’s weather control technology. All three computer networks are infected with the new SkyNet virus, which links up with present drone operations. Think about it.

1. Worldwide Chromosome Coup. Planet-wide, women finally pick up their large kitchen knives and even the score.

0. (Huh? Nobody else gives you a #0. Quit complaining.) All of the previous predictions coming true would result in a net positive. World population would probably dip below the four-billion mark. Concurrent decreases in carbon emissions, energy usage, red meat consumption, and watching football matches would enable the solar-flux-assisted next ice age to proceed on an accelerated schedule. Just in time for my next years’ predictions.